As Meredith Penhollow, or as I better know her, Mom, sat on the couch, I asked her to reflect on the many stories and thoughts from her life. Regardless of our dog’s consistent pestering as we talked, I uncovered insights about my mom that I had never before known.
From childhood experiences to current endeavors, my mother has always been a considerate, supportive, and determined role model. Our conversation further proved to me how much my mother values family, constantly putting her loved ones above everything, and working to make our lives better every day. Together we dissected the beauties and challenges of motherhood and relationships. Thus, teaching us both the necessary balance of sacrifice and self-actualization. This discussion was a lesson and bonding moment that we both can carry on long after these words fade from our memory.
SCARLETT— What is one of your best memories of childhood?
MOM— I remember being near family a lot, which you guys don’t really have, but for me it was awesome. Like we had cousins, aunts, and uncles and always saw them on the holidays and… You only know what you know, but you guys don’t know that, and it stinks, for me…because I think of it that you’re missing out, but you guys don’t really, you don’t really know what you’re missing out on…? But then again it’s just made our family really tight because that’s all we have, I mean not that we never see Nannie and Pop, or grandma, but, our unit has really always been the 5 of us.
SCARLETT— What was one of the hardest moments you had when you were growing up?
MOM— Mmm…(thinking). Moving can be hard. As we are learning, yes. It could be hard, but I also feel like it also benefitted me. ‘Cause it did force me to get out of my comfort zone sometimes, which, for me, probably helped me. I think if you only know one thing your whole life— It’s even harder to change, right? Or to… let things get hard a little bit before they get easier. If that’s all you know, everything around you is always familiar, always the same. It also forces you to see other people around the world, other places to live—it will make you well-rounded in the end, but…it can be hard! Being a teenager is hard, or was hard!
SCARLETT— What would you say are your biggest hobbies right now? Or passions? Something you would like to start.
MOM— I don’t know, passions? …Sometimes I do my painting, or ceramics…I guess I could perfect some of the things that I’m interested in. And just, well do it more, right? Make more time for it. And there’ll be time for that, but this year it’s not gonna be. Even though everyone’s like, “Ooh this is the one year of your life that you can really do anything…”, they just say take advantage of the fact that I have more time right now because you’re so self-sufficient, but it’s not really like that. It’s not like feeling free. (Hesitating, trying to find the words) It’s just challenging, given with Dad and Walker living in Las Vegas, and us finishing off here. Yea, I don’t feel like I have free—I mean I have free time but at the same time I don’t have free space in my head sometimes. You know what I mean?
SCARLETT— How do you continue furthering your passions even while being so busy? Or how can you improve on making time for these habits?
MOM— Mmm. That is a good one. ‘Cause I am terrible with that…I don’t know…(laughing). “I wanna do this, I wanna do that!” And then I don’t do it. And I guess because my life has revolved a lot around you guys, that now you guys are getting to a point where you really have your own stuff going on, I’m kinda lost sometimes. Like especially with Walker not being here, and like— One more year of driving him around and checking in before he’s driving himself everywhere, that…is hard. Because I feel like I should be doing that but I just can’t do it right now, given our current situation…I was not quite ready for that, so, I feel a little lost at times, right now, currently (laughing). But I also have to be available to fly and pick up and go at any time so the idea of finding a job right now doesn’t really work out. I could do better with finding more of things to do as far as interests, but I also feel like my head is kind of in two different places right now with Dad and Walker, and then what’s going on here, and everything with Grace kinda right now. Just, again, it’s all about thinking about everyone.
SCARLETT— How has being a parent changed you?
MOM— I worry about 98 percent of the time. Maybe 99. It never stops. Even when someone, one of you is not near me, I worry All. The. Time. Where are you driving, are you safe, is somebody hurting your feelings, are you in a good place with the workload you have, or just friendships, or…literally everything. Literally, it’s all consuming sometimes!
SCARLETT— What is a regret you have in life?
MOM— Maybe keeping more of myself while raising my kids. I think it’s important if you’re going to stay home with your kids, that there’s something else that you have. Like, so you don’t become the identity of just being a mom, which I love and I would not change that for the world, but, I think that sometimes you kinda let things go to the side. It’s just like how could people do it better or differently, right, because I think a lot of moms face that once their kids go; they live so much for their kids that they’re kinda like, “Ooh, now what.” I mean it’s okay it’s just a matter of finding that out. But, also, I think because a lot of moms go through it, how do you do that, when you’re so busy just being a parent!
MOM— Yeah because being a mom is not a 9 to 5 job, you know? Maybe when other people come home from work they leave their job right? Maybe, like, a dad, if he doesn’t stay home. Maybe he takes his work home sometimes, but for the most part he’s gonna leave his job and then he’s gonna be at home and have a different mindset. When you’re a mom, I feel like it’s so…
SCARLETT & MOM— 24/7
MOM— Right, like there’s not a lot of break. If your kids sick then they’re sick and you’re up all night with them or, trying to, I don’t know, help them; they’re always on your mind which is a beautiful gift, but at the same time, it’s just hard to have the mindset to set it aside and do like “Okay this is gonna be my time now”. Right?
SCARLETT— What do you want from your future?
MOM— I feel like as a parent it’s easier because A) You want your kids to be healthy, and B) happy. For myself I would like to find something I’m very passionate about that I could…spend my days doing, whatever that is. Whether it’s a new job, or a new passion, or…I don’t know, something like that. It would be great if they could kind of collide, and be…similar. You know, whether it’s—go back to work because I’m passionate about what I do, or what I wanna do—it would be nice to do both.
SCARLETT— What lessons have you learned from your relationships?
MOM— That any ones that are worth keeping require effort, on your part. Because…(thinking)…if it’s something that is important to you it should, it shouldn’t necessarily be easy. It shouldn’t be hard, but you should still have to put the work into it to make it as good as it can be.
SCARLETT— What were the best times with Dad, and the most difficult ones?
MOM— Before marriage, we had so much fun exploring New York City, and after we got married for the couple months that we were there, that was like super fun time I would say, for us. I think those probably were the best times, only ‘cause it was just the two of us in the sense that…that’s all we had to focus on, right? It was just each other. Versus when you have kids, and then you have another kid, and then your time together gets less and less and less. So…that was probably the best time for us. Of course, having you guys, I’ve obviously had a million great best memories and times with that too, but just in relationship to just us two.
And then…probably now, right now, is hardest. I think. ‘Cause it’s just, it’s hard to be away, and now we’re apart. It’s just hard in general right, new place for them…things Walker is dealing with, and then him [Dad] not being able to be here with you for your last year, I know that really bothers him a lot. And us, it’s hard to connect when you have, like, he’s busy with a new job, and we have the time difference, and…so probably now would be our toughest. Yeah, it’s more like who’s doing what from which state, and regarding which child (laughing). So, yeah! That’s kinda hard because you’re not really having meaningful conversations. In fact I just said to him, “It’s weird to be together the last week and I feel like I have not been together with you at the same time.” But, I guess sometimes we should probably be more selfish…with our time.
SCARLETT— Have there been moments that tested your faith? What were those challenges and how did they impact your faith?
MOM— Mmm, that’s a good question. I feel like whenever anything bad happens, you kinda have that question like, why is this happening God. Which is probably not right, ‘cause obviously God doesn’t want you to be hurting, but it does make you feel like…well why, why is this happening. And why are you allowing this to happen, but that’s not exactly fair thinking. But I would say it tests your faith sometimes.
Maybe when bad things happen you’re looking for someone to blame, but that isn’t always the case. Bad things happen all the time to good people, so. I would say that, otherwise I feel like for the most part my faith is strong, and I try not to think like that. Like just because something bad happened, like questioning God why it happened. If anything you gotta just keep praying and go the other way with it. More like just give me strength to face it, whatever the outcome is. Things happen for a reason…even if we don’t always know what they are right away. He’s not punishing us to make these bad things happen, it’s just sometimes these just, bad things happen. Yeah, sometimes it’s just bad. But, I mean that’s the only thing I feel like, I ever question my faith. Again…(laughing), just, not God’s fault.
MOM— How long does this go, I feel like we’ve been talking for an hour.
SCARLETT— 34 minutes.
MOM— That’s long–34 minutes on the hot seat!
